Expected Value = Mean

I guess it is really hard to keep up with our own expectation, huh? I have to learn to be more forgiving, otherwise I won't be able to move on. Sometimes it is OK to be not perfect, I guess. But seeing some people can have the best of both worlds, I want to be like them too. Maybe it is not for everyone, but how to be successful if I limit my goals? I am trying to float here, but I feel the pulling force already. Suddenly realized that the clock is ticking, but hey, don't we know it already that it only takes 5 weeks? Still, the exams, assignments due date and the trip overwhelm me, and pimples start appearing. Hegh... I wish the hormone can stay quiet. My heartbeat races faster, too. Blame it to poor emotional control and my own expectation value. Doesn't expected value = mean? What does it mean? If we reach our expectation, it means we are just average? So we should exceed our own expectation to be excellent? Is it really important to be the best? Can I just aim for average? Pardon me for my rumblings. I start writing nonsense, I better go back to my assignments. Keep fighting! I must lift up my spirit.

More Maternity Leave

It is 4 months, not one year. PM Lee announced in his National Day Rally speech that producing more babies is in Singapore's top priority list now. Besides the longer maternity leave, government has increased baby's perks to include more subsidy for childcare, better quality chidcare, longer infantcare leave for both parents, more flexible work schedule for mother, better tax system for working mother, and more. He even asked fathers to change diapers. I love it. Equality.

My mom had her first baby when she was 23 years old, here I am, 28 years old and still no sign of a baby. That is a big 5 years difference. I have been married for three years and of course I feel the pressure to have a baby. No, it does not come from my parents or my in-laws. It comes from my self awareness (that I am getting old), my environment (more and more of my friends are having babies, some even have two already!), and my desire to help Singapore increases its birth rate (really!).

I can't imagine though, rasing a kid in this small house. Coz having a baby means having 3 more people in our house. Baby, mom-in-law, and maid. I can't afford to buy a bigger house now or in the near future and I am not sure if I am willing to give up my personal space. The ideal situation will be I give up my job and stay at home to take care of the baby, or I stay at my job and put the baby in good, trustworthy, reputable infant care. I choose the latter. My friends have done it, and it seems they are doing well. A lot of families in Scandinavian countries have done it, and the system works. Hopefully by the time I get pregnant, there will be one good reputable infant care near my area. Now I just have to wait till I finish my school coz study, work, houseworks and baby are just too much for a non-multi-tasking woman like me.

Bridges

I love bridges. It is one of the reasons why I chose to study civil engineering last time. Not knowing that love to see is not equal to love to make one. But anyway we never learned how to construct bridges, or maybe we learned the concept, but I was not smart enough to figure out how to apply the concept to construct a bridge. I did not stay long enough in the industry to find out how. Anyway, I still love bridges.

So I heard and read reviews about the new Southern Ridges walk with two prominent bridges, Henderson Waves and Alexandra Arch as part of the must-see items. I searched NParks website, and I was surprised they have quite a good tool there. Basically you can plan your walk from the website based on what you like, when, and who you are going with. Quite impressive and informative.

I figured that a small group may be best for this kind of activity. Now comes the difficult part, who can I ask to join me walking in this 9km route? Maybe in the end I just have to go with Ihin, just the two of us, and pretend that we are actually in Japan for our 3rd honeymoon. Hmm.. let's see if I can do the walk this weekend.

Panic Attack

Second post today. I am supposed to study, but I received an information about my lodging in US last night and I am just simply too curious about it, so I googled.

Then suddenly I got this panic attack. Even as I am writing this post, I have stomachache and headache. I think my blood pressure is at its highest level now. However hard I try to remain calm and composed, I can't deny that I am freaking worried and scared right now.

I imagine myself in US street, alone. It is just too scary for me. As my departure date getting nearer, I could not help but thinking about it more often. How I wish I could bring Ihin with me, at least I have someone to rely on. But God has another plan for me. He has given me this job, maybe part of His plan is to teach me to be more independent. This trip is just the beginning, more will come.

Please God and Mother Mary, be with me wherever I go. Protect and guide me throughout this journey. Strengthen my faith and ease my anxiety. Let me trust my life in Your hands.

Getting Old?

Yesterday was our matriculation day. We met our classmates for the first time. It was quite surprising, because initially we thought our class will be fulled of engineers and technical people. There were only five engineers/scientists, including both of us (well, I am not really an engineer, but at least I came from engineering background).

We have quite an interesting mixture, and I am surprised to see some of them are actually experienced practitioners in finance or economics field. I guess the class discussion will be interesting. I just hope they don't use advanced economics terms, otherwise I will be blur like sotong.

Being a new comer in economics (both of us got "C" for Principle of Econs during undergrad time), we definitely have a lot of things to learn. Even the Mathematics (Statistics) is not easy. I thought we have an advantage, but oh my God, what is this linear regression about? Despite loving Maths, I did not have any interest in Statistics until it was too late to realize that Statistics is the most practical and useful Maths ever.

The fact that my endurance for long hour study has diminished significantly since I left school 5 years ago does not help at all. I sat down with my book in my comfortable sofa since 5pm yesterday, and I slept throughout until past midnight. Only about 1am in the morning I can finally concentrate a little bit and read a little bit, before being stucked every half a page. Talking about getting old...

I have heard about the side effect of getting old, but I never take it seriously until now. It is really really true. It is not as easy as before to get my brain works at its optimum speed. I guess starting next week I am going to enroll myself in library regime again just like my undergraduate days. Lucky enough SMU library is just few MRT stops away and it opens until midnight. Hopefully the smell, the ambience and the temperature of library will help to improve my brain function. Till then, let me enjoy watching animes, movies, and TV series...

Being a Housewife

I am proud to share with you that I have been a fulltime housewife for seven full months now, and I still have 1 more month to go. The first two months were easy. I enjoy being at home, tidying up the place, reading books, surfing nets, preparing food (sometimes), washing clothes, and reflecting or meditating. CNY holidays surely helped, because there was something I looked forward to, which was long holiday with my husband, just the two of us, at home. But entering the third month, boredom kicked in. And then I started questioning my purpose in life and the role I was playing. I began to spread my net everywhere, looking for opportunities and considering countless options, from running business from home, being a mom, taking courses, looking for a job, teaching, etc.

By mid March, I have started teaching basic Japanese to my best friend, in return of her teaching me Chinese. And then I got my first official student through internet. I taught quantitative GMAT. Sometimes I dragged my husband to teach together with me because he is stronger in certain topics. Next I registered as private tutor in some agencies. I got some assignments, and I purposely chose to teach primary level because I wanted to see myself interacting with kids. On top of that, I also taught a diploma student, a friend of mine.

From my teaching journey, I found out that I can interact well with adult, best with Indonesian teenager, OK with girls, and not at all with boys. I just can't handle boys. They are scary. Now I pray that I will have girls if I were to have kids in the future. From this experience also, I realize that I love and I want to have kids, but the time is not now. I owe myself a chance, and I want to have it before my kids come. I know my character very well, and I don't want to regret later, or worse, blame my kids. I made a promise with a little girl inside me and I will fulfill that before I create the world for my girls.

So, I taught alternate days, and I was doing OK. Up and down. Sometimes I was happy, sometimes I was not. I was trying hard to keep my emotion stable, to keep floating, to be sane. I kept my options open, I looked at the job market, was not so rosy, but I managed to find some interesting jobs here and there and applied for them. I got one interview, but I screwed up because it was just not for me. Marketing job with ultimate goal to cover cost only? I just never heard of it before. And I am glad now that I was rejected. God knows it is not the place where I belong.

Come to June, I felt that I was about to slide down again to the bottom of the abyss. That big thing that happened early in the year was not resolved yet, and everytime we tried to settle the issue, I feel that my blood pressure goes up till my blood vessels almost burst. I feel like I am Thomas the train with smokes coming out from my ears and my head. How I long to be Shinkansen (the Sanrio character), moves fast and smoothly.

But it is really true, God makes all things well in its time. I thought of my husband, and I knew I just have to get out from this insane emotional roller coaster because he is the best husband in the world and he does not deserve this. I found myself going to Novena church for evening masses. And it does not take long. By the third mass, I saw a bright light and suddenly I was riding a Shinkansen, moving fast and smoothly till I just could not believe it. Not only I was pulled out from the abyss, I also met an angel who delivered special present from God. Amazing. This job, and whatever benefits that come with it, is from God.

By end of June we settled that big thing, and we moved on with our lives. The lesson remains with us forever. We have definitely grown wiser. As I am preparing myself for the next journey and doing my role as a full time housewife in my last month, I am beginning to realize that the past 7 months is actually the happiest time in my marriage life. Because I was not really working, I did not have personal problems and I can be a pillar of support for my family. My house was tidy and clean. My husband was happy because I could spend time with him after his work, instead of with vacuum cleaner and magic clean. I nagged less and I complained less. Now I treasure my role more, and I am doing my cleaning routine happily. I start to appreciate my role as a wife and I start to understand the importance of this role. It is more than just cleaning, washing, cooking, but a wife is the one who keep everyone in the family sane in this crazy world. A husband needs support for his work, children needs guidance for their schools and protection from peer pressure. If we as wives are not stable enough to be the ear and to comfort them, this whole family structure will collapse. We are the column (pillar) in this structure, and we are the most important support.

This 7-month journey has been valuable and now I know that despite my busy schedule and frequent travelling later on, I have one important role that I can't forget. This is my priority and I have to do it well, be a good wife.